I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
