i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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