i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
