So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
