Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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