You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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