I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
