my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
thus making me awesome and them whores
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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