I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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