Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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