mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
