I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
