You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize