She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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