I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
