So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
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