I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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