I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
