So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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