so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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