You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
