If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
