And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
