Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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