youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
