seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just found puke in my bra..
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
