If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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