If i come over, it means nothing
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You don't make any sense
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