so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
