I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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