are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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