just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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