Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
