how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
