Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
