Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Randomize