I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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