a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
