I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
