Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
