I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
