I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Vodka?
Forever.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
