i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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