i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I am midnight drunk by noon
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
