I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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