I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
