I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
