i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize