please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
