ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
