My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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