Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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