You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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