I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize