im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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