Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
