He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
