you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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