I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just gift wrapped bread.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
