do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
