watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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