He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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